


Loving You Is A Losing Game

by Su1010



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: "When did it all change?", Angst, Breakup, Falling Out of Love, Friends to Lovers, Heartbreak, M/M, More angst, Tears, iwaoi - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-01
Updated: 2020-11-01
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:13:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27325615
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Su1010/pseuds/Su1010
Summary: Iwaizumi had fallen in love with Oikawa when they were 11 and never fallen out. But when things change, sometimes the only choice you have left is to let go.
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Comments: 4
Kudos: 21
Collections: Haikyuu Angst Week 2020





	Loving You Is A Losing Game

**Author's Note:**

> First and foremost I apologise for this angst cos damn I hurt myself writing it too. Second of all, kindly play Arcade by Duncan Laurence because that's where the inspiration for the title is from <3

Monsoon season; rot and rain. The air smelled like decay as Iwaizumi ran down the hill as fast as he could, rushing home. He knew Oikawa was scared of lightning. Ever since they were kids and Oikawa’s mum left him alone at home during a storm when he was eleven, the lights had went off three times and Oikawa had been terrified throughout all three blackouts. Thankfully, Iwaizumi had stopped by after the storm to drop off some Takoyaki his mum had made and found Oikawa passed out by the door; most probably exhausted and waiting anxiously for his mum to come home.

Iwaizumi had carried him upstairs, admittedly with much difficulty considering Oikawa had a few good inches on him and was heavier. But somehow after almost whacking Oikawa’s head against the bannister and his feet against the pale blue wall, Iwaizumi had succeeded and tucked him in, brushing back the stray strands of his chestnut hair that were plastered to his forehead.

Iwaizumi then made his way downstairs and heated up the Takoyaki, waiting patiently for the food to get warm so he could leave it aside for Oikawa when he woke up because Iwaizumi knew what an appetite that best friend of his had. The slight creak of a wooden plank distracted him from his thoughts and he looked up to face a rather tired-looking Oikawa.

Oikawa rubbed at his eyes as he squinted at Iwaizumi through narrow eyes. “Iwa-chan? What are you doing here?”

“Oikawa,” Iwaizumi chided, going over to his best friend’s side and leading the boy to a chair, forcing him to sit down before taking a seat across from him.  
“I came to drop off Takoyaki my mum made. But when I came in I saw you beside the door instead, literally looked like you were dead.”

Oikawa almost choked on the water Iwaizumi had handed him when he heard that. Through coughs, he managed to spit out the real reason. “Yeah, it was the lightning. The lights went off three times and I think I gave up after the third time and decided to sleep just so I couldn’t see anything.”

The microwave alerted Iwaizumi that the food was heated up and he went over to take it, sliding it across the table to Oikawa. “Eat up,” he gestured. “You need energy for practice later.”

Oikawa arched an eyebrow, “I thought you were going out with your cousins?”

Iwaizumi shook his head and crossed his arms across his chest. “That can wait, it isn’t that important.”

Oikawa laughed throughout a mouthful of Takoyaki as crumbs started falling and Iwaizumi chucked a tissue in the direction of his best friend’s mouth. “So you admit that volleyball is more important than anything else?”

The words were stuck under Iwaizumi’s tongue, wedged between the gaps of his teeth and he struggled to say them. Thus, as with most things that were eventually left alone and forgotten – they remained unspoken.

_“It’s not volleyball that more important than anything else; it’s you.” ___

__Instead, Iwaizumi smirked and shrugged. “Maybe.”_ _

__Just then, Oikawa’s mum came in as Iwaizumi stood up and greeted her. She sat down beside Oikawa as he started to complain about the incident and how Iwaizumi had “saved his life.” Iwaizumi snorted at the exaggeration and leaned back in his chair, watching the pair through hooded eyes._ _

__His gaze soon shifted onto Oikawa solely and remained fixated there. Brown eyes, brown hair. Iwaizumi had often associated Oikawa with autumn because his eyes reminded Iwaizumi of the leaves falling around town every time they headed back from practice during the season. All Iwaizumi knew was that Oikawa was beautiful and there was nothing more important to him than the boy in front of him._ _

__It was three years later at the age of fourteen that Iwaizumi realized affection and love were two different emotions with a faint line separating them and that he had crossed that line three years ago – on the day he found out Oikawa was scared of lightning._ _

__Two years later at the age of sixteen, Oikawa got his first girlfriend and Iwaizumi despised the blonde; glaring at her every time she showed up to watch them practice. Oikawa used to joke that Iwaizumi’s spikes were more passionate when the girl whose name Iwaizumi couldn’t be bothered to remember was around and teased that maybe Iwaizumi was trying to impress her and steal her away from Oikawa._ _

__Whenever Oikawa came up with these stupid remarks and assumptions; all Iwaizumi wanted to do was throttle him and throw him across the net instead of the ball. But he settled for calling his best friend “Shittykawa” and just channeled all that rage into training. They broke up two months later and Iwaizumi smiled all the way home as Oikawa tried to figure out what he did wrong._ _

__At the age of eighteen, Iwaizumi Hajime decided to confess to Oikawa Tooru that he had been in love with his best friend ever since they were eleven. It was raining heavily as the two ran back from practice and Iwaizumi noticed out of the corner of his eye that Oikawa had a terrified expression on his face when lighting flashed on the horizon._ _

__Iwaizumi immediately started looking around for shelter and spotted a convenience store still open and dragged Oikawa towards it. The bell rang as the female cashier greeted them and Iwaizumi smiled back. Normally Oikawa would have flirted but it seemed like he was still recovering from the lighting and Iwaizumi couldn’t help but snicker, thoroughly enjoying this version of his best friend who simply shut the fuck up and didn’t speak unless spoken to._ _

__Iwaizumi grabbed two containers of ramen and paid for them, leaving Oikawa at one of the unoccupied tables. There was another couple sitting at one of the corner tables, the girl leaning on the boy’s shoulder to read the manga he was engrossed in and Iwaizumi observed them silently while the cashier rang up his change. The boy averted his gaze for a brief second from the manga to look at the girl and a certain fond look flashed across his eyes like lightning across the skies. And when the girl got back up, the boy looked back down and Iwaizumi felt his heart clench._ _

__He would recognize that look anywhere; it was unrequited love. Iwaizumi was tired seeing his emotions reflected in unfamiliar eyes and somehow grouping himself together with them. It was that sudden burst of courage and exasperation that riled him up with adrenaline unlike any that he had experienced before a match and made him march over to Oikawa after thanking the cashier._ _

__“Listen,” he set one cup in front of Oikawa as his best friend turned to face him. “I’m going to say something and you’re going to shut up and listen because I feel if this goes on any longer I am literally going to explode.”_ _

__“What-“_ _

__“I said shut the fuck up.”_ _

__Oikawa fell silent and Iwaizumi sighed, the rain outside and snippets of conversation from the other pair the only sounds accompanying them. This somehow felt harder to do than anything else Iwaizumi had done in his life and he hated how this was completely out of his control._ _

__In volleyball, he could always depend on Oikawa to set the shots for him to spike perfectly and they never failed, not even once. It was one of the only constants in his life and he reveled in the comfort it provided him. But this was different; the ball wasn’t even in his court to begin with. It was in Oikawa’s, always had been. He hadn’t spiked it to Iwaizumi even once and Iwaizumi was getting desperate – hungry for just a touch. All these years he just wanted a taste but now it was getting tiring and Iwaizumi was getting fed up so he decided to take matters into his own hands._ _

__Brown eyes met brown eyes; autumn came full circle and Hajime Iwaizumi finally said the words that had been lingering on his mind; tucked away in the crevices of his grey matter for far too long._ _

__“I like you, Oikawa.”_ _

__The conversation died away, the rain stopped and the silence suddenly seemed deafening as Iwaizumi tried not to let his heart give up on him by the way it was beating within the confines of his ribcage. The aftermath of a confession was akin to the aftermath of a storm - wreckage and silence. The ramen was getting cold but all Iwaizumi cared about was Oikawa’s next words and from his point of view, they were taking far too long to be said._ _

__“I, uh- Iwa-chan.”_ _

__His heart dropped into an abyss so deep Iwaizumi stopped breathing for a moment; searching Oikawa’s eyes for an explanation. So before Oikawa could say anything else, Iwaizumi decided to break his own heart before Oikawa could do it for him._ _

__“It’s fine, I just - I just wanted you to know that.”_ _

__Iwaizumi turned back to his ramen and raised his hand to wipe a few stray tears away from the corner of his eye with his jersey sleeve. Just as he was about to take a mouthful of cold, soggy noodles to satiate the physical hunger, Oikawa grabbed his hand._ _

__Iwaizumi looked at the boy before him as Oikawa smiled and rubbed his hand with his thumb. “I never said I didn’t like you back.”_ _

__Suddenly the lights seemed to glow a little brighter and Iwaizumi found himself hopeful again._ _

__“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I didn’t mean to spring this on you like this. In a convenience store of all places.”_ _

__Oikawa laughed and the cashier glanced at them as she smiled and headed out to dispose the trash, leaving the two of them alone. Iwaizumi didn’t realise when the other pair had left but now it was just him and Oikawa alone in a random convenience store at 10 p.m., the echoes of rain and a love confession the only things keeping them company._ _

__Oikawa was the one who made the first move and Iwaizumi gladly welcomed it. Lips met lips and it wasn’t the perfect first kiss but it was a good one. Iwaizumi sighed on contentment as he leaned back in his seat and Oikawa smirked. “Must have sucked to be you every time I got a girlfriend.”_ _

__Iwaizumi took his fork out from the ramen and threated to chuck it at his best friend’s head. “Shut it, Trashykawa. I wanted to fucking strangle you every time one of them showed up during practice but well, can’t exactly murder the person I love, can I?”_ _

__Oikawa froze and Iwaizumi realized he had used the other l-word accidentally. It had slipped out and now Oikawa was going to say that he wasn’t in love with him and –  
“You love me?”_ _

__Iwaizumi dreaded to face Oikawa and his expression at the moment; so he resorted to gazing outside and nodding his head, seeing no point of concealing his real emotions anymore. “Yeah, I think I have since we were 11.”_ _

__“Iwa-chan,” Oikawa breathed softly, his voice barely above a whisper. “What kind of pain did I put you through for 7 years?”_ _

__Iwaizumi reached out and took Oikawa’s right hand, intertwining their fingers as calloused knuckles rubbed against each other. The silence was no longer deafening and Iwaizumi wasn’t scared anymore._ _

__“The best kind of pain, Oikawa. Because there’s no one else I would rather have break my heart than you.”_ _

__That was five years ago and Iwaizumi was now rushing home to their apartment which he had purchased after saving up for a few years. Oikawa had reluctantly moved in after much persuasion from his better half and Iwaizumi enjoyed seeing his beautiful face in the mornings after he woke up._ _

__Iwaizumi didn’t mention this to Oikawa but he always made sure to wake up before Oikawa did because he wanted to soak in how peaceful his best friend and the love of his life looked when sunlight streaming through the windows painted him golden like a Renaissance painting. Iwaizumi didn’t know much about God and angels; but he knew he was lucky enough one was on Earth with him and Iwaizumi got to love him for the rest of his life._ _

__Now as Iwaizumi reached their apartment and quite literally threw himself through the door, he bounded up the stairs to the sixth floor and ran down the hallway to unit 630. Frantically searching for the key in his bag among his mess of belongings, he finally found it and unlocked the door, throwing his bag to the side and going to the bedroom where he knew Oikawa would normally be, hiding under the blankets._ _

__But this time, Iwaizumi switched on the lights and found himself alone in the middle of the room where they had shared many intimate moments together. Their first time, Iwaizumi’s first job offer, Oikawa’s first professional volleyball opportunity. These 4 walls painted white and blue as a constant reminder that high school had brought them together now seemed hollow and Iwaizumi couldn’t get rid of this nagging feeling that something was wrong._ _

__Heading into the kitchen without bothering to close the bedroom door, he reached into his pocket for his phone and was about to call Oikawa, but the latter came in before he could._ _

__“Oikawa,” Iwaizumi greeted him worriedly, seeing him drenched from head to toe. Iwaizumi headed over to take his bag from him and Oikawa gladly let him, bending down to untie his shoes._ _

__“Did work run late?” Iwaizumi called from the bedroom where he placed Oikawa’s bag near the dresser and received a muffled explanation in response. He headed out and saw Oikawa on the couch, leaning against the seat with his eyes closed, head tilted up towards the ceiling. Iwaizumi felt a smile play on the corner of his lips as he took a seat beside Oikawa and caressed his cheek, feeling his partner lean into his touch._ _

__Rain was still falling and lightning flashed across the sky, reflected in the windows. Iwaizumi immediately hugged Oikawa tight and Oikawa laughed but it was somewhat half-hearted and felt forced._ _

__“Iwa-chan,” he removed Iwaizumi’s hands from his waist and ruffled his hair. “I’m not a kid anymore. _We’re, _not kids anymore.”___ _

____Oikawa sighed and leaned forward, dropping his head into his hands. “I don’t think I can do this anymore.”_ _ _ _

____Iwaizumi felt his heart stop like all those years when he confessed to Oikawa and felt the same anxiety creeping in through all the gaps in his chest. Bleeding - it felt as though a wound had opened up somewhere in his heart and no matter what he was doing to save it; he still couldn’t breathe._ _ _ _

____“What?”_ _ _ _

____“Iwa-chan,” Oikawa took his hand and ran it over the promise ring they had gotten each other when they were twenty. The silver band sparkled even beneath the dim light and Iwaizumi wanted to fucking scream that all that glitters isn’t gold. Sometimes it could be silver but as long as you wanted to make it work you could. But Oikawa was giving up and slipping through the cracks and as much as Iwaizumi reached out to grasp his hand, Oikawa always fell. Or maybe he had fallen a long time ago; and Iwaizumi had simply refused to acknowledge it because he was holding onto the remnants of a broken relationship even though the shards hurt him and him alone._ _ _ _

____He shook his head as tears started falling, streaking down his cheeks. “Please,” he begged his best friend. “Please don’t do this to me.”_ _ _ _

____Oikawa had tears of his own brimming in the corners of his eyes as he reached out to stroke Iwaizumi’s hair and leaned in to press a kiss to his forehead. “I’m really, really sorry Iwa-chan.”_ _ _ _

____Iwaizumi felt his heart break in two at that apology and it was the one apology he didn’t want to accept in his twenty-three years of living._ _ _ _

____“When?” He asked Oikawa, brown eyes meeting autumn once more and Oikawa seemed taken aback by the sudden glint in Iwaizumi’s eyes. “When did it all change?”_ _ _ _

____Oikawa’s voice fell and he turned away, refusing to meet Iwaizumi’s gaze. “It didn’t happen all at once, Iwa-chan. It happened slowly. I realized that I wasn’t happy here, beside you anymore.”_ _ _ _

____“How?” Iwaizumi continued questioning his best friend. Ex-best friend? Ex-partner? Iwaizumi honestly didn’t know the difference anymore and he struggled to make sense of the whirlwind of thoughts in his mind that threatened to spill out from his lips. Those same lips Oikawa had adored now felt barren and Iwaizumi knew that what he had dreaded the most had finally happened._ _ _ _

____Oikawa Tooru had fallen out of love once more._ _ _ _

____“Do you really want me to answer that?” Oikawa asked gently and Iwaizumi for a split moment, like a flash of lightning amidst heavy rain, saw the Oikawa he had fallen in love with. Not the arrogant, conceited King he was known as on the court. But the gentle, caring boy that at the age of eleven, made Iwaizumi fall in love and until now, he had never fallen out._ _ _ _

____Iwaizumi shook his head and lowered his head, refusing to let Oikawa see his tears as he wiped at them furiously. “It’s fine. I know the answer already. I just wanted to hear you say it.”_ _ _ _

____“I’ll leave tomorrow morning,” Oikawa started and Iwaizumi turned away once more, each word a stab to his already shattered heart. He nodded in response, not trusting himself to speak yet in fear of saying something he could never take back. Even after all these years he couldn’t bear to break Oikawa even though Oikawa had broken him so many times before._ _ _ _

____“I’m really, really, sorry, Iwa-chan,” Oikawa whispered once more as he left Iwaizumi to his grief and went into the bedroom they would share for one last night before Iwaizumi opened his eyes one morning and Oikawa would no longer be there – just another memory tucked away in the folds of his mind, only accessible when the loneliness shrouded him in a dark embrace once more._ _ _ _

____Iwaizumi heard the door close and broke down, all the tears coming at once and all these emotions he couldn’t put names to surrounding him. Oikawa was gone. No, no. The Oikawa he had fallen in love with was gone. In his place stood someone Iwaizumi no longer recognized although the fond nickname was the same. At that moment, Iwaizumi remembered the lie he had told all those years ago; but it was after sometime that he had realized it wasn’t a mere lie; rather, it was the painful truth and now it had come back to haunt him. Iwaizumi could have chuckled at the irony if only everything wasn’t hurting so much right now._ _ _ _

_____“The best kind of pain, Oikawa. Because there’s no one else I would rather have break my heart than you.” _______

**Author's Note:**

> This is only Day 1; be prepared to see all your other favorite ships suffer too. Btw, peep the wall colours and also the apartment unit 👀
> 
> Come follow me on Twitter! @chakraverty1010


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